Late one night, Lara Lee Caine found herself staring at her phone, typing a question that broke her heart. She searched, “how do you love yourself?” She had reached rock bottom.
After years of toxic relationships, Lara felt lost and exhausted. Love had never felt safe or easy. Instead, it felt confusing, painful, and draining.
Growing up, Lara was bullied at school. She was called “ugly,” and the words stayed with her. They slowly shaped how she saw herself. She became shy, withdrawn, and unsure of her worth.
As a young adult, those feelings followed her into relationships. Her first serious relationship was emotionally abusive. At the time, she did not have the words to describe what was happening. She only knew she felt small.
That relationship ended, but the pattern did not. Lara moved from one unhealthy relationship to another, believing this was simply what love looked like for her.
Now 45, Lara has a close and loving relationship with her parents. Looking back, she remembers one man clearly. “My mum told me, ‘If you stay with him your life is going to be really hard,’” she says.
She didn’t listen. Soon after, she met another man who used coercive control. At first, it felt like intense love and closeness.
Then he began trying to distance her from the people who mattered most. “He’d tell me I could only trust him,” Lara says. Slowly, her world grew smaller.
She became anxious and dependent on him. She started blaming herself for everything that went wrong. If he was angry, she assumed it was her fault.
“I’d walk on eggshells around him,” she says. “Because anything and everything would set him off.” Her life became about avoiding his moods.
Then his behaviour became physical. He started to shove her. The fear was real, but she still didn’t see it as abuse.
“Because he hadn’t hit me, I didn’t realise how bad it was,” she says. Like many women, she believed abuse only counted if there were bruises.
One day, something changed. Lara woke up and felt a sudden clarity. She knew she could not stay any longer.
She waited for him to explode again. This time, it was over her going out with friends. She took it as her moment to escape.
“‘Make sure you leave the rent,’ was all he said,” Lara recalls. She picked up her things and walked out. That was the end.
Free from the relationship, Lara began to educate herself. She read everything she could about healthy love, boundaries, and self-worth.
At 32, she met Lewis Caine. For the first time, she felt ready for real love instead of chaos.
Today, Lara is married to Lewis, 47, who owns a loft conversion company. They live in Ashford, Kent, with their son Harrison, nine.
Now 45, Lara describes her marriage as calm, supportive, and safe. It is everything her earlier relationships were not.
Two years ago, Lara faced another major challenge when she was diagnosed with colon cancer. Once again, Lewis stood by her side.
“He’s my biggest cheerleader,” she says. He supported her through treatment, recovery, and fear. Lara is now cancer free.
A former hairdresser, Lara has turned her painful past into purpose. She now works as a love coach through her business, Lara Lee Coaching.
“I help successful women go from toxic love to true love — just as I did,” she says. Her message is simple but powerful: abuse does not have to be physical to be real.
Her story comes as the UK marks ten years since coercive control became a criminal offence.
According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, around 1.6 million women experience domestic abuse every year in England and Wales.
Police record about 50,000 cases of coercive control annually. However, research suggests coercive control may make up over 80% of domestic abuse reported to police.
Dr Cassandra Wiener, Associate Professor in Law at City St George’s, University of London, explains why this form of abuse is so dangerous.
“Coercive control is domestic abuse where there is a purposeful pattern of behaviour used by perpetrators to harm, punish or frighten victims through assault, humiliation and intimidation, and, sometimes, through the loss of life,” she says.
She issues a clear warning: “The link between coercive control and homicide is clear.”
Dr Wiener says police now understand the importance of listening to victims. “Someone experiencing coercive control is best placed to tell you how frightened they are,” she explains.
But she adds that more must be done to help women leave dangerous situations and feel safe coming forward for help.
Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, agrees. “Abuse doesn’t always look the way we expect it to,” she says.
“It often goes unrecognised, hiding in the seemingly small moments of control and manipulation,” she explains. “Coercive control is a sinister pattern of behaviour designed to isolate, manipulate and intimidate.”
Although coercive control became a criminal offence in 2015, convictions remain low. This reality can stop survivors from seeking help.
“Sadly, this can make survivors less likely to come forward or report abuse for fear they won’t be believed,” Sherrington says.
Lara’s journey shows that even after years of harm, healing is possible. With support, knowledge, and courage, it is possible to leave abuse behind and build a life based on respect and love.
